The Fake Crusader

by Christopher Rosenthall

Petoskey, MI – On May 11, 2011, local police received a call that a man was on the roof of a building in the center of town. They arrived to find Mark Wayne Williams, 31, dressed as Batman and hanging over the side of the building. Once they pulled him back onto the roof, police searched Williams’ utility belt and discovered weapons such as a steel baton, lead-lined gloves and a can of mace. Williams was arrested and charged with concealing dangerous weapons and creating a disturbance.

At some point in time, most children choose to imitate their crime-fighting heroes, be they men of the Super, Spider, or Bat variety. They climb trees, fight imaginary bad guys and return imaginary bags with dollar signs on them to their rightful imaginary owners. Since children usually lack the means to bring these dreams to life, they rarely end up hurting themselves or those around them. When an adult attempts the same, serious physical or property damage is likely to ensue. Quite frankly, it’s best to leave crime fighting to the professionals.

 You may be thinking “but wait, the real Batman gets to climb buildings with a cache of dangerous weapons, why can’t I? Seems like a double standard.” If that’s the case, here’s some bad news for you, and likewise, some good news for Batman: as a fictional character, Batman is under no obligation to abide by any laws, be they local or federal.

 In conclusion, it’s a generally poor idea to dress up as a superhero and run throughout your town pretending to fight crime, but if you insist upon doing so, here are two pieces of advice:

  1. Do it on Halloween, when you’re far less likely to draw attention for being a grown man dressed as Batman.
  2. Actually, never mind. Don’t do it ever.